The Perfect Attorney Bio (/sarcasm)

At PaperStreet, we have seen lots of attorney biographies.  We have finally come across the perfect attorney bio. Take a look and see our tips at the end.

Name: Johnny B. Quick

Firm Name: Quick, Settle & Mint

Title:  Senior Partner

Education:

• JD from Everglades U, 2020
• Undergrad at Freedom America Republic Territory University (FART U), 1964

Awards:

• Really, Really Good Lawyers – Top 50,000 in Florida in 2012
• Perfect Lawyers with Perfect Smiles – Top 10 in Miami in 2034
• Tough Law Firms Pitbull Award – Top 100
• Terrific Attorneys for Davie, Florida – 2021
• $1,000 Club for Verdicts in South Dakota – 1998
• Sam Jackson Bad*ss Morherf*ckers Award – 1996
• Calling Clients Back Within 1 Week Award – 2012

Practice Areas:

• Video Game Troll Defense
• Stubbing Toe Claims
• Bad Haircut Disputes
• Hurt Feelings Mediation
• Contracts for Kids and Parents
• Hiding Money Offshore in the Cayman Islands
• Arbitration of Rock, Paper & Scissors
• Not Wearing a Mask in Amazon Online Defense
• Fantasy Football Disagreements
• Who Did the Dishes Roommate Disputes
• Vanity License Plate Litigation

Experience:

• 24 Horse and Buggy Injury Claims Totaling $64 and Two Bits
• 6 Successful Defenses of Witches in Salem (one unsuccessful claim due to “accidental” drowning)
• $1,000,000,000,000 Offshore Corporate Setups with Netherlands, Ireland, Malta and The Islands
• 125 Years of Real Estate Closings
• Counselor to Julius Caesar
• Defender of Liberty – 1776

Current Ratings:

• Avvo – 4/10
• Martingale – Solid B
• Findlaw – Top Spots

Bar Admissions:

• Florida, 1969
• The Rum Bar, Key West, 1970
• Southern District of Arctic Circle, 1899
• House Of Gryffindor
• Erudite Faction
• District 12 of Panem

Presentations:

• How to Legally Commingle Trust Accounts for Profit and Fun
• Defense of “Titanic is the Best Movie of All Time”
• How to Properly Record Client Phone Calls for Later Use Before Congress
• To Shred or Not to Shred by Tony Hawk
• Lego my Ego!  How to Build a Practice On a Good Smile and TV Ads
• Robo Signing to Lessen Your Workload – A Carpal Tunnel Defense Story
• Only the Greedy Get Caught – How to Minimize Your SEC Violation Exposure and Still Trade on Client Info

Top Tips

As you can imagine, the above is a horror story of what not to do.  If you want to see real bios, then browse our best 50 attorney bios. Some other tips:

• What to Include:
  • Name
  • Firm Name
  • Title
  • Phone / Email
  • Social Media
  • Awards
  • Honors
  • Education
  • Practice Areas
  • Presentations
  • Admissions
  • Ratings
  • Experience

• What to Not Include:
  • Old info
  • Bad Awards
  • Dated Awards
  • Bad Ratings
  • Links to Dead Social Media Accounts
  • Incorrect Dates
• Keep it Updated – Remove old information as soon as possible
• Have a Professional Biography Photo (or don’t, if you can’t get a good one)