The Perfect Attorney Bio (/sarcasm)
By Peter Boyd on June 1, 2021 in Attorney Bios
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At PaperStreet, we have seen lots of attorney biographies. We have finally come across the perfect attorney bio. Take a look and see our tips at the end.
Name: Johnny B. Quick
Firm Name: Quick, Settle & Mint
Title: Senior Partner
Education:
- JD from Everglades U, 2020
- Undergrad at Freedom America Republic Territory University (FART U), 1964
Awards:
- Really, Really Good Lawyers – Top 50,000 in Florida in 2012
- Perfect Lawyers with Perfect Smiles – Top 10 in Miami in 2034
- Tough Law Firms Pitbull Award – Top 100
- Terrific Attorneys for Davie, Florida – 2021
- $1,000 Club for Verdicts in South Dakota – 1998
- Sam Jackson Bad*ss Morherf*ckers Award – 1996
- Calling Clients Back Within 1 Week Award – 2012
Practice Areas:
- Video Game Troll Defense
- Stubbing Toe Claims
- Bad Haircut Disputes
- Hurt Feelings Mediation
- Contracts for Kids and Parents
- Hiding Money Offshore in the Cayman Islands
- Arbitration of Rock, Paper & Scissors
- Not Wearing a Mask in Amazon Online Defense
- Fantasy Football Disagreements
- Who Did the Dishes Roommate Disputes
- Vanity License Plate Litigation
Experience:
- 24 Horse and Buggy Injury Claims Totaling $64 and Two Bits
- 6 Successful Defenses of Witches in Salem (one unsuccessful claim due to “accidental” drowning)
- $1,000,000,000,000 Offshore Corporate Setups with Netherlands, Ireland, Malta and The Islands
- 125 Years of Real Estate Closings
- Counselor to Julius Caesar
- Defender of Liberty – 1776
Current Ratings:
- Avvo – 4/10
- Martingale – Solid B
- Findlaw – Top Spots
Bar Admissions:
- Florida, 1969
- The Rum Bar, Key West, 1970
- Southern District of Arctic Circle, 1899
- House Of Gryffindor
- Erudite Faction
- District 12 of Panem
Presentations:
- How to Legally Commingle Trust Accounts for Profit and Fun
- Defense of “Titanic is the Best Movie of All Time”
- How to Properly Record Client Phone Calls for Later Use Before Congress
- To Shred or Not to Shred by Tony Hawk
- Lego my Ego! How to Build a Practice On a Good Smile and TV Ads
- Robo Signing to Lessen Your Workload – A Carpal Tunnel Defense Story
- Only the Greedy Get Caught – How to Minimize Your SEC Violation Exposure and Still Trade on Client Info
Top Tips
As you can imagine, the above is a horror story of what not to do. If you want to see real bios, then browse our best 50 attorney bios. Some other tips:
- What to Include:
- Name
- Firm Name
- Title
- Phone / Email
- Social Media
- Awards
- Honors
- Education
- Practice Areas
- Presentations
- Admissions
- Ratings
- Experience
- What to Not Include:
- Old info
- Bad Awards
- Dated Awards
- Bad Ratings
- Links to Dead Social Media Accounts
- Incorrect Dates
- Keep it Updated – Remove old information as soon as possible
- Have a Professional Biography Photo (or don’t, if you can’t get a good one)
