The Perfect Attorney Bio (/sarcasm)

At PaperStreet, we have seen lots of attorney biographies.  We have finally come across the perfect attorney bio. Take a look and see our tips at the end.

Attorney 1
Attorney 2

Name: Johnny B. Quick

Firm Name: Quick, Settle & Mint

Title:  Senior Partner

Education:

  • JD from Everglades U, 2020
  • Undergrad at Freedom America Republic Territory University (FART U), 1964

Awards:

  • Really, Really Good Lawyers – Top 50,000 in Florida in 2012
  • Perfect Lawyers with Perfect Smiles – Top 10 in Miami in 2034
  • Tough Law Firms Pitbull Award – Top 100
  • Terrific Attorneys for Davie, Florida – 2021
  • $1,000 Club for Verdicts in South Dakota – 1998
  • Sam Jackson Bad*ss Morherf*ckers Award – 1996
  • Calling Clients Back Within 1 Week Award – 2012

Practice Areas:

  • Video Game Troll Defense
  • Stubbing Toe Claims
  • Bad Haircut Disputes
  • Hurt Feelings Mediation
  • Contracts for Kids and Parents
  • Hiding Money Offshore in the Cayman Islands
  • Arbitration of Rock, Paper & Scissors
  • Not Wearing a Mask in Amazon Online Defense
  • Fantasy Football Disagreements
  • Who Did the Dishes Roommate Disputes
  • Vanity License Plate Litigation

Experience:

  • 24 Horse and Buggy Injury Claims Totaling $64 and Two Bits
  • 6 Successful Defenses of Witches in Salem (one unsuccessful claim due to “accidental” drowning)
  • $1,000,000,000,000 Offshore Corporate Setups with Netherlands, Ireland, Malta and The Islands
  • 125 Years of Real Estate Closings
  • Counselor to Julius Caesar
  • Defender of Liberty – 1776

Current Ratings:

  • Avvo – 4/10
  • Martingale – Solid B
  • Findlaw – Top Spots

Bar Admissions:

  • Florida, 1969
  • The Rum Bar, Key West, 1970
  • Southern District of Arctic Circle, 1899
  • House Of Gryffindor
  • Erudite Faction
  • District 12 of Panem

Presentations:

  • How to Legally Commingle Trust Accounts for Profit and Fun
  • Defense of “Titanic is the Best Movie of All Time”
  • How to Properly Record Client Phone Calls for Later Use Before Congress
  • To Shred or Not to Shred by Tony Hawk
  • Lego my Ego!  How to Build a Practice On a Good Smile and TV Ads
  • Robo Signing to Lessen Your Workload – A Carpal Tunnel Defense Story
  • Only the Greedy Get Caught – How to Minimize Your SEC Violation Exposure and Still Trade on Client Info

Top Tips

As you can imagine, the above is a horror story of what not to do.  If you want to see real bios, then browse our best 50 attorney bios. Some other tips:

  • What to Include:
    • Name
    • Firm Name
    • Title
    • Phone / Email
    • Social Media
    • Awards
    • Honors
    • Education
    • Practice Areas
    • Presentations
    • Admissions
    • Ratings
    • Experience
  • What to Not Include:
    • Old info
    • Bad Awards
    • Dated Awards
    • Bad Ratings
    • Links to Dead Social Media Accounts
    • Incorrect Dates
  • Keep it Updated – Remove old information as soon as possible
  • Have a Professional Biography Photo (or don’t, if you can’t get a good one)

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